Held Hostage

I am SO angry and frustrated!!!  About a month ago, the ex decided that he didn't have to talk to me anymore.  Instead, he uses my children as the go between to say what he wants to say.  It is pathetic...childish...selfish...and damaging to my children.  If I leave him a message, my daughter M text's or calls me to tell me his reply.  If I text him, she texts me back.   It is driving me crazy.  Literally.

At the moment, my son Z is living with him, while my daughter goes back and forth every two weeks.  (see Teetering on the Edge).  Friday night we were supposed to meet halfway to exchange kids.  I text messaged him that I needed to meet 30 min later than usual.  M text me to say that we were meeting on Sunday because Z was spending the weekend with a friend.  So I text him back and said if I don't get to see Z that I wasn't driving to meet him.  I know...it was childish.  But I was hurt and angry and I reacted without thinking.  When I got home, M told me that her Dad was picking her up at 10a.m.  I text messaged him that I would meet him halfway on Sunday.  He told M to tell me, "F@$% her...tell her I said it just like that."  I was so PISSED that he would put her in that position.  She didn't want to say it, so she showed me the text.  He said a couple more hurtful things to be relayed through our daughter...I'm at a loss...I don't know what to do.

You cannot co-parent if the other parent won't speak to you.  These teen years are so vital to their development as adults, and what he is doing is so selfish it makes me sick.  I feel like I'm being held hostage...and it sucks.

The kicker of this story...the kids told me he has been going to college online to become...are you ready for this...a psychologist!  He wants to counsel troubled children/teens.  He wouldn't even allow our own children to go to counseling after our divorce.  He threatened to sue them if they did.  My mind is boggled...literally.

So, for now I just continue to call or text him only when necessary, to avoid placing extra emotional strain on my kids.  I just take things day by day...and try to figure out a solution to the problem, while attempting to stay sane in the process.

Teetering On The Edge

The past few months have been a roller coaster to say the least.  This blog that I set out to write, faithfully every morning or so has just fallen to the wayside.  That's life, I guess.  It just happens whether you are ready for it or not. 

My daughter Madi is 15.  She and I have had a rocky path since her father and I got divorced.  It was an ugly one, and she was one of the wounded.  You do what you can to shield them from the shrapnel, but the pieces still manage to get through.  Needless to say, my ex and I live 3 hours apart.  My son, Zane, who is 13, is living with his father right now.  We had a stint of him moving back and forth, switching schools, trying to love us both and keep us close.  More shrapnel.  Another one wounded.  He found his place, he has friends, so I watch from a distance, with a wounded heart.  More shrapnel.  Madi on the other hand, had been living with her Dad, and last year in the middle of the school year needed to come live with me.  It was hard for her to start in a new school in the last trimester her freshman year.  Hell, it's hard enough being a teenager and a freshman.  She struggled. 

So over the summer, she and her Dad thought it would be "best" for her to attend online high school.  I was not happy.  I worried about her social development, as well as her learning to deal with people and situations that aren't always to our liking.  I argued, I discussed, I cajoled...with her of course, as he will not speak to me.  I had her willing to give public high school 6 months, with online high school as a fallback.  She ran this by her Dad, who changed her mind back to online high school.  Yes, this is where you pause and say, WTF???  With online high school, she can live two weeks with me, and two weeks with him.  I can honestly say, I hate him. 

So after long heartfelt talks with Madi and a few close friends, a lot of crying, and deep soul searching; I caved.  I told myself that I would support her decision for the first quarter, if she was not doing well, back to public high school she will go.

So after major drama about who would enroll her, what school, parent access for both parties, she was finally enrolled. 

Fast forward two weeks.  Madi says in a hesitant voice, "I don't really like online school."  I asked her what she doesn't like.  She doesn't like that she has to figure out when to do the work, that she forgets to do PE, etc.  So logically, I tell her that if she isn't happy, at least she tried it, now she knows and that we should get her enrolled in school before they get any farther into the school year.  Her response: "But Daddy will be mad."  This is where I breathe in slowly, trying to keep it together.  What I really want to do is pull out my hair and scream as loud as I possibly can.  Instead, I tell her that what he really wants is for her to be happy, and that if she needs to go back to public school, then he will be fine.  She looked at me with this look that said, "Who are you trying to kid..."  It broke my heart.  It made me angry and frustrated. 

So this is where I am...teetering on the edge...it's a fine balance to keep the balance in his home and my own...when the boat is rocked and he doesn't like it, they are the ones who have to deal with it.  She hinted that maybe a different high school then the one she attended last year would be best...I don't know if this is a hint that she wants to live with him...her way of feeling me out.  So, we will talk.  I just want her to be happy. 

Bottom line, divorce sucks.

Too Much To Ask For

So I've had a rough couple of weeks...all the way around.  I'm driving home today and this song came on the radio and it just summed up my thoughts for the last two days:

AM NOT THE DOCTOR by Alanis Morissette


I don't want to be the filler if the void is solely yours

I don't want to be your glass of single malt whiskey

Hidden in the bottom drawer

I don't want to be a bandage if the wound is not mine

Lend me some fresh air

I don't want to be adored for what I merely represent to you

I don't want to be your babysitter

You're a very big boy now

I don't want to be your mother

I didn't carry you in my womb for nine months

Show me the back door



Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6

Well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and oh

Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom

You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor



I don't want to be the sweeper of the egg shells that you walk upon

And I don't want to be your other half, I believe that 1 and 1 make 2

I don't want to be your food or the light from the fridge on your face

At midnight, hey

What are you hungry for

I don't want to be the glue that holds your pieces together

I don't want to be your idol

See this pedestal is high and I'm afraid of heights

I don't want to be lived through

A vicarious occasion

Please open the window



Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6

Well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and oh

Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom

You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor



I don't want to live on someday when my motto is last week

I don't want to be responsible for your fractured heart

And it's wounded beat

I don't want to be a substitute for the smoke you've been inhaling

What do you thank me

What do you thank me for



Visiting hours are 9 to 5 and if I show up at 10 past 6

Well I already know that you'd find some way to sneak me in and oh

Mind the empty bottle with the holes along the bottom

You see it's too much to ask for and I am not the doctor

Please Help...Newbie in Need

Dear Bloggers,



I have become addicted to reading blogs.  I read them for hours.  I love it.  I love to look at the pictures, and the creative layouts. 

I decided to start a blog a few weeks ago, and I HATE the way it looks. I am a total newbie, and I was wondering how to make the title box thingy. Do you have any advice you could lend...or step by step instructions?  ;D  I am not out to conquer the blogging world, just ramble to no one in particular about the frustrations and joys in my day to day life. My problem...I'm OCD. I cannot write, because I am consumed with the self critical, mumbo jumbo going through my brain about how my blog looks. It's pathetic, and it's making me crazy. 

(So much for getting past my psycho babble in my head and breaking free!)

So please, all you creative geniuses out there...HELP!! 

It has just occurred to me that I only have one follower...Karen, any advice???  (BTW...thanks for being my one follower, you ROCK!)

So anywho...if anyone manages to read this, please lend me your advice, or as I said before, step by step directions would also be GREATLY appreciated!! 

Sincerely,
Frustrated

The Deep End

Just do it...

one step at a time...


Oh my God! I have done it. I have broken through my paranoid, schizophrenic self talk and actually started typing!! Wooo Hooo. Sheesh. I'm such a neurotic baby. I've been staring at the computer screen "thinking" of what to type. Completely over-analyzing everything, as usual.


I need help.


Serious help.


I need a mental break.


I need a vacation from my life.


Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, my bf, my family and my dogs and sometimes, my job. But I have reached this place where I just feel like if I don't "DO SOMETHING", my head is going to pop off.


So since I can't leave my family, however dysfunctional it is, I decided I would blog. I was wildly excited at the thought...my little escape every morning before I go to work...(I get up 45 min earlier than I have to during the week, so that I can read blogs and feel a little more "normal")...could be utilized as my creative/venting session. And no one would need to know...


NOT.


My just turned 15 year old daughter logged onto the computer and said, "You started a blog?"


Me: "Huh?"


Madi: Turns the computer screen around. Blogger...big as life blares at me.


Me: "Oh that...I was just messing around."


Madi: "The Deep End?" Looks at me with that teenage, 'I know all' look.


Me: "I just thought I would try it. I made the page, but that's it."


Madi: "It says there are 2 posts."


Me: "They are drafts. Give me the computer."


Madi: She looks at me with this look like..."I'm going to read what you wrote...hmmmm...and then text all my friends about how ridiculously crazy you are."


Me: (inside my head that is ready to pop off) F@%&!!!


It never ends...there is no privacy, no moments to yourself. It's like trying to use the bathroom, ALONE, once you have kids...never again.


So anyways, after much deliberation with the voices in my head, I decided, "F IT!!" I'm jumping in...deep end, here I come!