Teetering On The Edge

The past few months have been a roller coaster to say the least.  This blog that I set out to write, faithfully every morning or so has just fallen to the wayside.  That's life, I guess.  It just happens whether you are ready for it or not. 

My daughter Madi is 15.  She and I have had a rocky path since her father and I got divorced.  It was an ugly one, and she was one of the wounded.  You do what you can to shield them from the shrapnel, but the pieces still manage to get through.  Needless to say, my ex and I live 3 hours apart.  My son, Zane, who is 13, is living with his father right now.  We had a stint of him moving back and forth, switching schools, trying to love us both and keep us close.  More shrapnel.  Another one wounded.  He found his place, he has friends, so I watch from a distance, with a wounded heart.  More shrapnel.  Madi on the other hand, had been living with her Dad, and last year in the middle of the school year needed to come live with me.  It was hard for her to start in a new school in the last trimester her freshman year.  Hell, it's hard enough being a teenager and a freshman.  She struggled. 

So over the summer, she and her Dad thought it would be "best" for her to attend online high school.  I was not happy.  I worried about her social development, as well as her learning to deal with people and situations that aren't always to our liking.  I argued, I discussed, I cajoled...with her of course, as he will not speak to me.  I had her willing to give public high school 6 months, with online high school as a fallback.  She ran this by her Dad, who changed her mind back to online high school.  Yes, this is where you pause and say, WTF???  With online high school, she can live two weeks with me, and two weeks with him.  I can honestly say, I hate him. 

So after long heartfelt talks with Madi and a few close friends, a lot of crying, and deep soul searching; I caved.  I told myself that I would support her decision for the first quarter, if she was not doing well, back to public high school she will go.

So after major drama about who would enroll her, what school, parent access for both parties, she was finally enrolled. 

Fast forward two weeks.  Madi says in a hesitant voice, "I don't really like online school."  I asked her what she doesn't like.  She doesn't like that she has to figure out when to do the work, that she forgets to do PE, etc.  So logically, I tell her that if she isn't happy, at least she tried it, now she knows and that we should get her enrolled in school before they get any farther into the school year.  Her response: "But Daddy will be mad."  This is where I breathe in slowly, trying to keep it together.  What I really want to do is pull out my hair and scream as loud as I possibly can.  Instead, I tell her that what he really wants is for her to be happy, and that if she needs to go back to public school, then he will be fine.  She looked at me with this look that said, "Who are you trying to kid..."  It broke my heart.  It made me angry and frustrated. 

So this is where I am...teetering on the edge...it's a fine balance to keep the balance in his home and my own...when the boat is rocked and he doesn't like it, they are the ones who have to deal with it.  She hinted that maybe a different high school then the one she attended last year would be best...I don't know if this is a hint that she wants to live with him...her way of feeling me out.  So, we will talk.  I just want her to be happy. 

Bottom line, divorce sucks.